The Sinking In.

This week has been a little less eventful than the last. Things have slowed down a bit, at least enough for me to feel like I can catch my breath.

Mom is still in the hospital. The lady from CPAS came on wednesday to see her, do her assessment, etc. Now we are just waiting for the results of that. Waiting to hear the decision of where they decided she needs to be. I took the boys to see her a few times this week. She missed them and they were asking about her, they are confused about why she is in the hospital. It's so hard trying to explain all of this to Isaiah. He has so many questions. Nathan and I are trying our best to be honest with him about the reality of things without telling him too much. Easier said than done with a three year old who adds why? to everything!

Being in that center takes me back to when my grandpa was living in the long term care facility in Estevan. Total deja vu. Never thought I would be back there so soon.

I remember when my mom was diagnosed, imagining her being somewhere like that. Thinking about 'way down the line' when things got really bad. I never thought then that the reality of it would be five years, yes, only five years we would be putting her in a nursing home.

The last few days I have felt so robbed. This disgusting disease has robbed me and my siblings of a mother. It has robbed my dad of that person he is supposed to grow old with, his wife. I just keep thinking about all the things that she isn't going to be there for because of this. I find myself trying to remember and keep track of all the great memories that I have of her as a mom. I want my children to know the Grandma that they never will, not the Grandma that huntington's gave them. (She is awesome with the boys now and loves them dearly. I just know how incredible she would of been if she didn't have so many limitations.) I feel like I already forget things, forget about how she used to be. So I'm trying to re-live my life, remembering all the good things, all the fun things she used to do with us. I am desperate to hang on to that Mom.

Things are starting to set in a little more this week. I feel like I've been dragged through the mud and back again. I am just so thankful for my faith. That is the only thing that has kept me breathing through all of this. Knowing that God has a purpose in all of this, that it's not all for nothing. I just wish that I could see the bigger picture, it would be nice if He could give a little sneak peek every once and a while. Then I could say 'ahhhh, okay that makes sense', or 'okay I see what you are doing there'. Then I wouldn't feel so lost in the middle of it all.