The Sinking In.

This week has been a little less eventful than the last. Things have slowed down a bit, at least enough for me to feel like I can catch my breath.

Mom is still in the hospital. The lady from CPAS came on wednesday to see her, do her assessment, etc. Now we are just waiting for the results of that. Waiting to hear the decision of where they decided she needs to be. I took the boys to see her a few times this week. She missed them and they were asking about her, they are confused about why she is in the hospital. It's so hard trying to explain all of this to Isaiah. He has so many questions. Nathan and I are trying our best to be honest with him about the reality of things without telling him too much. Easier said than done with a three year old who adds why? to everything!

Being in that center takes me back to when my grandpa was living in the long term care facility in Estevan. Total deja vu. Never thought I would be back there so soon.

I remember when my mom was diagnosed, imagining her being somewhere like that. Thinking about 'way down the line' when things got really bad. I never thought then that the reality of it would be five years, yes, only five years we would be putting her in a nursing home.

The last few days I have felt so robbed. This disgusting disease has robbed me and my siblings of a mother. It has robbed my dad of that person he is supposed to grow old with, his wife. I just keep thinking about all the things that she isn't going to be there for because of this. I find myself trying to remember and keep track of all the great memories that I have of her as a mom. I want my children to know the Grandma that they never will, not the Grandma that huntington's gave them. (She is awesome with the boys now and loves them dearly. I just know how incredible she would of been if she didn't have so many limitations.) I feel like I already forget things, forget about how she used to be. So I'm trying to re-live my life, remembering all the good things, all the fun things she used to do with us. I am desperate to hang on to that Mom.

Things are starting to set in a little more this week. I feel like I've been dragged through the mud and back again. I am just so thankful for my faith. That is the only thing that has kept me breathing through all of this. Knowing that God has a purpose in all of this, that it's not all for nothing. I just wish that I could see the bigger picture, it would be nice if He could give a little sneak peek every once and a while. Then I could say 'ahhhh, okay that makes sense', or 'okay I see what you are doing there'. Then I wouldn't feel so lost in the middle of it all.

Comfort.

Somedays a good song is the only thing that I find comforting. This one has been on repeat.

A Bittersweet Welcome Back.

My life as of late, as most of you know, has been anything but boring. Hopefully sharing what's been on my mind will get you all up to speed with what's been going on.

This summer was a very trying one for myself, my siblings and my Dad. Mom was in a care home for the weekdays (Monday thru Friday) and then home on the weekends with Dad. It started off pretty good, she was kind of excited about it. She really seemed to like the place she was staying and was adjusting to this new way of life. There were some highs and some really low lows. After a meeting with nurses and counsellors Dad decided to bring Mom home for the winter. After only a few days at home things got sour quickly. So on November 4th Dad, myself, my sister and my brother sat in the emergency room at RUH (from 3:30 in the afternoon until about 12:30am). Waiting with Mom while the doctors, neurologist's and phycologists ran their tests on her.

There were numerous things that had happened leading up to that day. Finally after talking to Tanya, the resource worker for huntingtons, suggested that it would be in our best interest to take Mom to the hospital and have an evaluation done on her. (After going through this back in August we knew getting her there wasn't going to be an easy task.) Our options of getting her there were to either ask her nicely to come, to get her meds looked at, etc. Or to go to the courthouse, get a warrant and have the police come, get her and take her there. We knew that she wouldn't go willingly if Dad just asked her. So he ended up just asking her to come and get her meds checked. Once she got there and realized we were all there she knew that something bigger was happening. She felt betrayed, that we had lied to her, tricked her into going. We all knew there wasn't any other way to do it. To say that she was mad would be an understatement. She was furious at us for taking her there.

I went through that day numb and checked out of what was happening. Somewhere inside I knew that this time it was real. This time she wouldn't be coming back home. So to deal with the pain I checked out completely. How else was I supposed to deal with it? How would you react if you had to sit for hours listening to your Mom ask over and over again how you could do this to her? To have her ask you Dad how her could do this to her? Then turn and ask you how, after everything she has done for you, could you do this to her? Not easy questions to answer.

I know that all the decisions that she has made up to this point have left us with this option. She has chosen to be angry and bitter at what life has dealt her. To be angry at this disease and let it steal time away from herself and her family. Still that doesn't help make it easier. That doesn't take away the guilt and pain of it all.

I know that my Dad has done literally everything that he can to keep her at home. He has gone above and beyond what most people would. He has put the needs of his wife ahead of his own. He has taken 'in sickness and health' to a whole new level and it's been a blessing watching him.

Now we are playing the waiting game. CPAS is going to do an assessment on her in the next few days to decide whether she is suited for a nursing home or not. We are hoping and praying that they make the best decision for Mom.

I still have yet to process everything that is happening. For now I'm just taking it in stride, going through the motions. Not entirely being honest about my feelings. It's less painful that way.