The Sinking In.

This week has been a little less eventful than the last. Things have slowed down a bit, at least enough for me to feel like I can catch my breath.

Mom is still in the hospital. The lady from CPAS came on wednesday to see her, do her assessment, etc. Now we are just waiting for the results of that. Waiting to hear the decision of where they decided she needs to be. I took the boys to see her a few times this week. She missed them and they were asking about her, they are confused about why she is in the hospital. It's so hard trying to explain all of this to Isaiah. He has so many questions. Nathan and I are trying our best to be honest with him about the reality of things without telling him too much. Easier said than done with a three year old who adds why? to everything!

Being in that center takes me back to when my grandpa was living in the long term care facility in Estevan. Total deja vu. Never thought I would be back there so soon.

I remember when my mom was diagnosed, imagining her being somewhere like that. Thinking about 'way down the line' when things got really bad. I never thought then that the reality of it would be five years, yes, only five years we would be putting her in a nursing home.

The last few days I have felt so robbed. This disgusting disease has robbed me and my siblings of a mother. It has robbed my dad of that person he is supposed to grow old with, his wife. I just keep thinking about all the things that she isn't going to be there for because of this. I find myself trying to remember and keep track of all the great memories that I have of her as a mom. I want my children to know the Grandma that they never will, not the Grandma that huntington's gave them. (She is awesome with the boys now and loves them dearly. I just know how incredible she would of been if she didn't have so many limitations.) I feel like I already forget things, forget about how she used to be. So I'm trying to re-live my life, remembering all the good things, all the fun things she used to do with us. I am desperate to hang on to that Mom.

Things are starting to set in a little more this week. I feel like I've been dragged through the mud and back again. I am just so thankful for my faith. That is the only thing that has kept me breathing through all of this. Knowing that God has a purpose in all of this, that it's not all for nothing. I just wish that I could see the bigger picture, it would be nice if He could give a little sneak peek every once and a while. Then I could say 'ahhhh, okay that makes sense', or 'okay I see what you are doing there'. Then I wouldn't feel so lost in the middle of it all.

Comfort.

Somedays a good song is the only thing that I find comforting. This one has been on repeat.

A Bittersweet Welcome Back.

My life as of late, as most of you know, has been anything but boring. Hopefully sharing what's been on my mind will get you all up to speed with what's been going on.

This summer was a very trying one for myself, my siblings and my Dad. Mom was in a care home for the weekdays (Monday thru Friday) and then home on the weekends with Dad. It started off pretty good, she was kind of excited about it. She really seemed to like the place she was staying and was adjusting to this new way of life. There were some highs and some really low lows. After a meeting with nurses and counsellors Dad decided to bring Mom home for the winter. After only a few days at home things got sour quickly. So on November 4th Dad, myself, my sister and my brother sat in the emergency room at RUH (from 3:30 in the afternoon until about 12:30am). Waiting with Mom while the doctors, neurologist's and phycologists ran their tests on her.

There were numerous things that had happened leading up to that day. Finally after talking to Tanya, the resource worker for huntingtons, suggested that it would be in our best interest to take Mom to the hospital and have an evaluation done on her. (After going through this back in August we knew getting her there wasn't going to be an easy task.) Our options of getting her there were to either ask her nicely to come, to get her meds looked at, etc. Or to go to the courthouse, get a warrant and have the police come, get her and take her there. We knew that she wouldn't go willingly if Dad just asked her. So he ended up just asking her to come and get her meds checked. Once she got there and realized we were all there she knew that something bigger was happening. She felt betrayed, that we had lied to her, tricked her into going. We all knew there wasn't any other way to do it. To say that she was mad would be an understatement. She was furious at us for taking her there.

I went through that day numb and checked out of what was happening. Somewhere inside I knew that this time it was real. This time she wouldn't be coming back home. So to deal with the pain I checked out completely. How else was I supposed to deal with it? How would you react if you had to sit for hours listening to your Mom ask over and over again how you could do this to her? To have her ask you Dad how her could do this to her? Then turn and ask you how, after everything she has done for you, could you do this to her? Not easy questions to answer.

I know that all the decisions that she has made up to this point have left us with this option. She has chosen to be angry and bitter at what life has dealt her. To be angry at this disease and let it steal time away from herself and her family. Still that doesn't help make it easier. That doesn't take away the guilt and pain of it all.

I know that my Dad has done literally everything that he can to keep her at home. He has gone above and beyond what most people would. He has put the needs of his wife ahead of his own. He has taken 'in sickness and health' to a whole new level and it's been a blessing watching him.

Now we are playing the waiting game. CPAS is going to do an assessment on her in the next few days to decide whether she is suited for a nursing home or not. We are hoping and praying that they make the best decision for Mom.

I still have yet to process everything that is happening. For now I'm just taking it in stride, going through the motions. Not entirely being honest about my feelings. It's less painful that way.

renovations

how's it going... this is nathan.. i thought i would give you a brief up date on what is going on it the Rushton family...

This last few months we have been doing a little renovations around the house. some stuff that needed to get done, and others just cause we needed a change. From the shingels, to a deck on the back of the house to base boards, trim, interior doors, paint, light fixtures and the list goes on.... but needles to say we like making our home more our home.. all though it is pretty tuff.. me and ash decided that we would do all the work ourselves (with some great help from a few friends.... JUSTIN STADE) I think for me hands down the shingles were the hardest thing so far.. but come spring i think the windows and the siding might take the cake...

Isaiah is getting so big. right now he's i think around 18lbs. and happy as can be.. he found a few things this last month.. such as his feet, his vocal chords and anything that can fit in his mouth... Isaiah loves to sit up now and he's working on rolling over.. not so fun when your changing him and he tries to roll over.. also this week he is on bottles now.. quite the change for mommy, but it's been great. Ash loves the freedom.. And i also love Father and son time.. sounds a little strange still but i love it.

It's been a VERY long time!

I finally have some time to pause for a moment so I figured that I better get some pictures on here for all of you who have been waiting so patiently for them. Our summer has been great but also really really busy. We have done lots of travelling and I am ready to just be at home for awhile now!










Well there is just a few pictures for you all to enjoy! The last one is of Isaiah and his Great Great Grandpa Henry. It was his 98th birthday!
Anyway my babes is starting to wake up so that means it's time to eat! Hope you are all having an amazing summer!
ash

He's Finally Here!!

hey guys! sorry that it has taken me so long to get a picture of our little one on here.......

Isaiah Charles Rushton was born last thursday may 31st at 9:05am. My water broke on wednesday night, luckily Nathan's mom was here to take me to the hospital. The whole labour process is still kind of a blur to me. It went so quickly. I had really intense contractions once they started, the Doctor actually said that I should receive an award for longest contractions, somehow I didn't find that all too amusing at the time. Hmmm....wonder why!? Anyway, when it came time to push baby all was well until they realized that his head was coming down to the side and it just wasn't going to work for me to push him out. They prepped me for surgery and took me down to the OR. Down there they first tried to turn Isaiah around to see if he would so I could deliver naturally, but that just wasn't working and they were concerned about baby's heart rate that was rising so they decided to do a c-section. At that point it didn't bother me, I was far to tired to try pushing again and I was worried about babe. But he made it out safetly! Nathan watched the whole thing, amazed by what he was seeing! He was so excited to be a papa. He was my rock and encouragment throughout the whole process. I wouldn't have been able to do it I don't think if it wasn't for him being there coaching me along. Such an incredible experience!!
Our first few days in the hospital were a little rough. Nathan and I were both very ready to just get home. It's so much more relaxing to be at home. Isaiah is doing wonderfully!! He's sleeping like six hours between feedings at night already! I know I'm lucky for that. He's such a good baby. So content in his world right now and that makes me a very happy mommy!
Anyway I just wanted to give you all a brief update on how things are going and how they went!

talk to you again soon!
ash

Our Month so far....

well it seems like i just can't ever find the time to get on here and keep you all posted about how things are going! Things have been busy but really fun! We have gotten to spend lots of time with friends and family this few weeks and it's been great! We have been busy putting all the little pieces around the house together before baby comes. It's so nice to finally be able to get outside and do some yardwork! I love it! I also am loving the fact that I'm not totally pasty white anymore! That's always a good feeling! haha!

we were down in estevan for a few days to do some visiting and to get our maternity pictures taken. my mom came down with us. her and bella had a good time cuddling in the back on the way down.....bella was awake and alert the entire trip down.....

...the way home was a different story....she was pooped from all the excitement of the week...so she looked like this 95% of the way home....

.....like i said during nathan's last week off we were busy doing a ton of work to our yard.....but we did take some time to relax....bella and i even got a chance to do some suntanning.....yeah our dog is awesome.....haha!

...nathan was bound and determined to make buns.....so he called his grandma and got her to walk him through them..... they actually turned out awesome! He was so proud of his buns!

Nathan is back at work for the summer with my dad. I'm feeling a little bit left out! But my dad has me doing all of the office work so that has helped a bit. I'm just enjoying my down time, what little of it that I have left before baby. I'm trying to be as patient as possible waiting for baby but that's going just about as well as trying to get bella to stop pulling out my flowers. So not so well, in other words, i'm sucking at being patient! The doctor said that it could be anytime now. So i'm doing my best to make baby want to leave.....jumping up and down, pushing on baby's bum, going down bumpy roads, things like that....haha!
anyway, i should get the day started! have an awesome week and we hope to hear from you all soon!
ash